Love. Whew. Scary word eh?? I find it to be. I had love and lost it. I mean, I didn't lose my love for her, and she didn't lose love for me, but she can't be with me because of.... stubbornness really. All in all, from now, to the end of this blog, you are going to continue reading with the idea of me being another love drunk teenager blabbing about breakups. I'm sure, and I dont resent you for that, because well I do the same thing, unless I really think its legit, which is rarely, and I'm probably right 90% of the time, and shit you probably are too. Well, we dated for a year. We had our ups and downs , just like everyone else, but meaning this from my heart ,we were meant for eachother. I know I know, its in every love song, every emo blog and blah blah blah, but honestly, we were. I've never been able to be my complete self around really anyone. I've never felt as comfortable with someone, as I would feel with myself alone. Thats comfort at its purest form. I've never had a girl with the same sense of humor as me. We'd joke about anything and everything and laugh histerically over the dumbest things, and the funniest things. We'd laugh, cry , talk , live together. We went through not only the basic things people go through, but we went through ALOT. We had a relationship , with so much love, it was identical to a romance movie. We were totally ment for eachother. We are both quite good writers (hahaI'mnotputtinganyeffortintowritingthisblog.tootired.) and we were working with eachother to acctually write our own book about the relationship. It was lovely. We had a real love story, and at least I'll always have it forever, the memory, the relationship , all the things that mattered, are always going to be a memory and in my heart and that I'm glad that those times are forever ours and will be shared between us. She was by far the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. No lie, she was gorgeous. Shes a short tanned spanish girl. She had perfect skin, and a perfect body. Sexy, beautiful , and cute at the same time. She was a person I trusted more than anything, oh god I'm so tired. I'm not really putting much feeling into these words but whatever. I feel like getting it out, even if its on minimum effort. Its weird, because I know I'll never have a girl as good as her. Its silly to say, but its true, and I've accepted that. Because she was HOT. She had the mindset, the personality, that was sculpted directly by god to perfection for me. We molded together. We felt one with eachother. She wasn't only my girlfriend, but my bestfriend. She was there when everyone else wasn't, and there really was a time when I had no one there for me but her, and she did a damn good job at being there for her, and there were times where I did the exact same for her. I put her needs before mine, and she put mine before hers, so that way, both of our needs were perfectly accounted for. Now, we've broken up. I have anxiety attacks daily, I have filled journals with poetry and lyrics and letters to her that will never be sent. I am physically sick. Its tearing me up. I'm alive, its strange, the past weeks, I've felt happy, but depressed at the same time, quite strange I feel indeed. I'm not like emo, I don't cry to people about it, I keep to myself and go about my buisness throughout my day. I run 6 miles everyday, and I'm into bodybuilding, so I lift just about every other day. Thats the only thing that really gets me through the 7 day fuck cycle. I don't understand, a love so... PERFECT, and we both know it, how can she let it go? Shes still in love with me and admits it, but shes so stubborn, she won't take me back. Its great isn't it ? This blog isn't about my relationship, but relationships in general. I'm sure this isn't the first person this has happened to. I imagine there are other people that let one girl get away from them, and have never had someone as good come along. How can I love her so much? Now later down the road I imagine I'll get married and have kids with a woman not as good as her. How will this work out ? How does that make sense? I'm in love with her now, not some other girl. I don't feel these feelings ever going away. This isn't a sterotypical relationship, its so.. idk. It honestly scares me. I wonder how I'm still living. Not from means of suicide, by I've seriously thought I was going to die, from anxiety attacks, I feel like I'm going through withdrawl like a heroine addict. Its pretty bad. I don't understand how people go through life with multiple relationships and date this person or that for a few years then move on. Maybe get married after, and then have a couple kids. Maybe get divorced, maybe get married again, or a couple more times. I feel like thats quite fake. Why can't we have one lover?? I've always been a firm believer in soul mates, but obviously, life has proven otherwise. I feel a hopelesss romantic. I feel I will never be able to have a sucessful relationship like that again, not to that extent at least, even if I get married. I've been asked out by plenty of wonderful girls since then, but I have just turned them down. My heart doesn't work like that. Beautfiul girls, but I love her. Her. Forever. We both, and so did our parents, believe we'd be getting married. It was just really official. It was a unbreakable bond, and by some freak happening, that was broken. Makes no sense to me at all. Where are we in the world? How does love work? When am I gonna get mine? When are we all gonna get ours ? Where is our soulmate? Where can they be ?
